She came to me today and informed me of her plans to marry Chakotay. In her typical way, she asked me to do the ceremony.
ďYou will do the ceremony.Ē
It was not really an order, for if it were, she would have informed me, in her usual style, ďyou will complyĒ when I told her I could not marry her and Chakotay. Somehow, I knew she would have her claws in him deeply, but I thought I could control my emotions when it happened.
Among other things, Tuvok, my best friend, is dying and itís my fault. If only Iíd gotten him home sooner. If only Iíd taken more risks. If only Iíd taken more control of Voyager, instead of allowing Seven to make decisions because of her Borg technology and knowledge.
Emotions. Something I used to be able to turn off and on when I felt like it but Iím finding I canít anymore.
I love Chakotay. I have always loved him, but IĎve tried hard to bury my feelings toward him and I thought I had succeeded until now.
I donít. I donít have control of anything.
Love has shown me one thing- who is really the boss. Itís not Seven, itís not me, nor is it Chakotay, but rather a reigning force called feelings. Over the years, I would try to defy anyone who said I couldnít control how I felt. That included my beloved Chakotay.
I thought I was in control of my feelings for my dearest friend Tuvok, but Iím not and now his life hangs by a thread. His mind is gone and I canít do anything about it. I have no control over saving his life. I have no control over anything.
I always thought I was a strong woman, and for the sake of others, I would control whatever stirred deep in my soul, but I canít do it anymore. I sit here crying because he is gone and about to marry the young woman I guided back to humanity. I am also mourning the loss of my friends and comrades.
Then there is the extreme hatred I feel towards someone I helped return to a life that was once stolen from her, and now I feel betrayed because she latched on to the one person I love so dearly. However, thatís my fault too. I encouraged her to be the person she is today.
I taught Seven everything she knows and I let others help me teach her to be human again. The doctor taught her how to love. How could he, a mere hologram, teach anyone how to love? Yet, he surpassed his programming and became more human with each passing day in the Delta Quadrant. He taught her what I could not at the time. What I could not teach her because I was too busy trying to shut it off. I guess he is more human than I am.
Yes, I said more human than I am. I guess that is my fault too, because I allowed him to explore his humanity, just as I did Seven.
Meanwhile, I really believed I could turn off how I felt, whenever I felt like it, just like an android. Except, last I knew, androids didnít have feelings at all. However, I saw Data again at a welcome home ceremony after our return and the man could turn his feelings on and off at a whim. If only I could be like that right now.
I guess the only guide I had was one for fools. I didnít guide Seven with anything. She has guided me and has even taken over everything I hold dear in my life while I was shoving my feelings deeper and deeper within me. Never once admitting that I loved Chakotay, that I was worried I would lose my best friend Tuvok to a Vulcan illness, or even that I was afraid.
When did it happen? How did it happen? Why was I such a fool?
I should have taken Chakotayís hand sooner and held on to him for dear life. I should have taken short cuts. I should have said, ďI love youĒ.
Now Iíve lost him and Iím too old to do anything about it. Too old to fight for the things Iíve lost in life and too old for love. My lust for life is gone forever and will never be retrieved again.
If only I could go back in time and change things, then maybe I would still have Chakotay now. If only I could go back and save everyone I love dearly, so that they would not die or fall ill. Iím completely lost without Chakotay and I need him, but I canít have him now because his heart is tied to another.
Iím stuck with the choices I have made in life and now life is the one in control of everything. Life is the captain of my ship, guiding every force that exists in my world now. Not me, not Starfleet, but life is the one in command and fate is the admiral in charge.
Or is it? Surely I can find a way to go back and change things so that I have Chakotay by my side again. Surely I can go back and save my best friendís life.
There has to be a way and Iím going to find it. Seven is not in command here. Life is not the captain. Fate is not the Admiral. I am! I will go back and take charge of my life again. I wonít allow Seven to control things this time. I wonít bury my feelings again. I will find a way to change fate and no one is going to stop me.
I will die, if I must, in order to keep from living this miserable and lonely existence. I will sacrifice my life in order to have the man I love and my friends around me once more.
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