Resolutions
My Version
Part Two
Rated PG
Later that evening, Chakotay was painting as Kathryn rubbed her neck and rolled her head to get out the kinks from the day. Her neck and shoulders ached so badly and she was wishing they had some muscle relaxers or something to take away the discomfort.
“I guess I'm not used to that kind of work. My knots are getting knots,” Kathryn announced with a groan.
Chakotay stood and walked over to her, “Here, let me help.” He moved her hair around to the front of her and began massaging her shoulders and neck.
“Oh, that feels good.” Kathryn moaned as she thought, ‘Just what I need. He always seems to know what I need.’
“I've had a lot of practice at this. My mother used to get sore necks all the time. I was the only one she'd trust not to make it worse.”
‘He has wonderful hands,’ Kathryn thought. ‘I think I could live with this kind of service forever!’
‘She’s so beautiful,’ Chakotay thought. ‘I wouldn’t mind giving her massages for the rest of my life, if it made her happy.’
‘I feel like putty in his hands. If he wanted to, he could give me a full body massage!’ Kathryn thought. Then she suddenly stiffened. ‘No, I’d better leave the room before my thoughts get too far out of hand.’
Kathryn suddenly stood as she gave him an uncomfortable smile, “That's much better. Thank you. Well, I'm gonna go to bed now. I'll see you in the morning.”
‘What was that all about? Did I say something wrong?’ Chakotay thought. Instead of asking, he confusedly replied, “Sleep well, Kathryn.”
There was still uneasiness between them. Kathryn was unsure of her feelings and wanted to have some time to think, “Yes. You too.”
Finally, in her room alone and lying in her bed, Kathryn was wide-awake pondering their developing relationship.
‘Am I wrong to think he has feelings for me? I mean, I know he cares about me as a friend, but would he even dream about being lovers. No, I shouldn’t be thinking like this, although, I feel like I am falling deeply in love with him or maybe I was already in love with him. I don’t know.
He’s so kind and gentle. He cares about trying to make a home for us and he has great hands. Oh, God! Those hands! I wonder if they are just as good making love as they are with massages. Kathryn, stop this! You can’t be thinking such things! He was your first officer; yet, I can’t help but think something more is developing between us. I can’t sleep. I think it’s time he and I talked, if only to find out where our relationship is going.’
Kathryn got out of bed, put her robe on, and headed back out in to the other room.
While Kathryn was in her room thinking about the two of them, Chakotay looked across the room toward her bedroom. He was also having similar thoughts as he sat back down at the table to paint.
‘If only she felt as I do. Everytime we seem to be getting just that much closer, she pushes away from me. She probably doesn’t share my feelings. Maybe I should just give up trying to show her how much I care about her.’
Suddenly, the door to her room opened, and Kathryn announced, “We have to talk about this.”
“All right,” Chakotay agreed, not sure what ‘this’ was or what she was about to say.
“I think we need to define some parameters about us.”
“I'm not sure I can define parameters,” he told her, his feelings for her were showing very clearly now, “But I can tell you a story, an ancient legend among my people. It's about an angry warrior who lived his life in conflict with the rest of his tribe, a man who couldn't find peace, even with the help of his spirit guide. For years, he struggled with his discontent. But the only satisfaction he ever got came when he was in battle. This made him a hero among his tribe, but the warrior still longed for peace within himself. One day, he and his war party were captured by a neighbouring tribe led by a woman warrior. She called on him to join her because her tribe was too small and weak to defend itself from all its enemies. The woman warrior was brave and beautiful and very wise. The angry warrior swore to himself that he would stay by her side, doing whatever he could to make her burden lighter. From that point on, her needs would come first. And in that way, the warrior began to know the true meaning of peace.”
Tears of joy ran down Kathryn‘s face. She knew now that he was feeling the same feelings as she was, but she had to be sure. So she asked, "Is that really an ancient legend?"
"No, but that made it easier to say."
‘He is feeling the same way I‘m feeling,’ Kathryn thought as she reached for him. Their hands touched and they could feel the love between them. “What would you say if I asked you to keep me company tonight?”
Chakotay’s heart jumped to his throat, “You mean, share your bed with you?”
“Yes.”
He smiled at her, “I wouldn’t say ‘no’.”
Without releasing each other’s hand, they stood and went to Kathryn’s room.
In the early morning sunshine, Kathryn was happily looking over her garden and enjoying her morning coffee. She was pondering the night before.
‘Last night was so wonderful. I think all the kinks in my neck are gone,’ she thought with a smile as she wiped the dirt off her hands with a towel she had brought outside with her. ‘His hands were as good as I had imagined them to be. Life here isn’t so bad. I know I can get use to being her with him around. I have no idea what I would do if he wasn’t around.’
Chakotay walked up beside her and interrupted her thoughts, “So, how are they coming?”
“Very nicely. We should have vine-ripened Talaxian tomatoes in a couple of months, unless this planet has the equivalent of tomato bugs. Oh, they're awful,” she replied as she looked up to him with a satisfied smile.
“I would never have thought of you as a gardener,” he stated as he sat down beside her.
“I grew up around farmers. My parents insisted we learn some basic gardening skills.”
“Did you hate that as much as camping?”
“Of course! Who wanted to muck around in the dirt when you could be studying quantum mechanics? But I find it very satisfying now, watching the seeds sprout and grow."
“If your tomatoes could spare you for a minute, I'd like your opinion on something in the house.”
“Well, you've come to the right person,” she said as he helped her stand. “I always have an opinion.”
“Really?” He said with mocked shock. “Could have fooled me!”
She playfully punched him on his shoulder as they walked into the house.
Once in the shelter, Chakotay led her over to the computer to show her the design. After a few seconds he asked, “What do you think?”
“It’s a boat!”
“You said you wanted to explore the river. I think I could build this.”
She was not sure what to say, but knew he was very creative with his hands. It would not surprise her if he could make the boat. Finally, she replied, “We could go on a camping trip.”
“I'm not sure we could fit the bathtub in the boat,” he teased.
“Well, that's all right. I'll have the river.”
Suddenly, they were interrupted by Tuvok’s voice calling them. *Captain Janeway, do you read me?*
They both froze. Somehow they knew something was about to drastically change in their lives. They were not sure if they wanted it to change.
“Do you hear that?” Kathryn asked.
“Yes,” Chakotay replied.
*Captain Janeway, do you read me? This is Tuvok calling Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay. Please respond.*
“This is Janeway,” she finally answered.
*Captain, it's good to hear your voice. We have news,* Tuvok informed her.
“What is it?”
*We have medicine, which we believe will effectively treat your condition. We plan to be in orbit within thirty hours.*
Kathryn realised that their comfortable life and newfound closeness was about to end. She was not sure if she was happy or sad, because she did not want to give up her relationship with Chakotay.
Chakotay looked back at her as he also realised the same thing. He was not ready to go back to protocol and boundaries, but was afraid that it would soon return to the way it use to be again. At the same time, he could not allow himself to be selfish or deny her of her wants and desires.
Kathryn resumed her command voice, “We’ll be ready when you arrive.”
*“Very well, Tuvok out.*
Suddenly, Kathryn looked sad and vulnerable, “I guess we only have one more night here.”
Chakotay nodded, “Yes, it would seem like it.”
“It may sound strange, but I’m not sure I want it to end.”
“I think I understand.”
“Yet at the same time, I wouldn’t mind being back on Voyager.”
“Well, we do have tonight,” she said seductively as she wrapped her arms around him.
“And what are you proposing?” Chakotay asked playfully.
She suddenly kissed him as though it was going to be their last, and then she said, “I have an idea. That bathtub is big enough for two people, why don’t we spend part of our last night together sharing it?”
Chakotay had an intrigued smile as he replied, “Sounds like a plan, if you’re sure about that.”
“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life!” She insisted as she took his hand and dragged him to the tub.
Thirty hours later, Kathryn stood outside the modular shelter, in her uniform, looking sad and mournful. She was not ready to give up her new relationship with Chakotay, but she was ready to take up her life again as a star ship captain with all its responsibilities. Somehow, she was feeling she could not have both. Or could she? ‘It would be too complicated,’ she thought sadly. ‘Yet I really enjoyed our last few nights together. The back rub, our night of passion, and our bath that was more than a bath together. We may never have that again.’
“Ready?” Chakotay asked as he slowly approached her.
She tried hard to hold back the tears when suddenly her little friend bolted out of the woods and stopped in front of them.
“There you are!” Kathryn she exclaimed as she knelt down to addressed the monkey happily. “At least I get to say good-bye. Feel free to use the house.” Then she stood as she punched her comm badge and tried hard to compose herself, “Janeway to Voyager. Two to beam up.”
Kathryn and Chakotay shared one last look that was full of meaning, as they stood ready to beam aboard Voyager. Neither of them wanted this to end or at least their newfound love, but they knew what was to be once they returned to the ship.
As Chakotay and Janeway walked onto the Bridge, everyone turned to greet them with smiles.
“Welcome back, Captain, Commander,” Tuvok greeted.
“The Doctor tells me you contacted the Vidiians after all,” Janeway informed Tuvok. She was not sure if she wanted to throw him in the Brig or thank him. After all, he did bring her and Chakotay’s new life to an end, which in some respects was good for they would see Earth again, but bad in other respects.
Tuvok placed his arms behind his back and stood erect as he flatly stated, “I disobeyed your order, Captain. I am prepared to accept the consequences.”
"If I didn't know you better, I'd say your decision was almost emotional. Thank you all,” Janeway said as she took on her air of authority once more. “Well, we've lost time with all this. Let's see if we can make up some of it. Mister Paris, warp 8."
“Aye, Captain,” Paris replied as he turned around in his seat to face his console.
Janeway and Chakotay returned to being a ship's Captain and Commander. There was not even a hint of the warm personal relationship that developed between them on the planet. Rather, Janeway took the lead in making the business of running the ship more briskly than before as they resume a course for the Alpha Quadrant and home.
“Commander, we'll need to review the ship's systems,” she addressed Chakotay. “I'll handle propulsion, environmental and communication. You'll be responsible for sensors, weapons, and transporters.”
He looked at her with some confusion, but understood her changed demeanour, “Aye, Captain. I'll have a report to you by 1800 hours.”
“Check with phaser maintenance. See if they solved that problem with the pre-fire chamber temperature.”
“Yes, ma'am. I'll see to it.”
The two of them fell silent once more as Janeway felt like her heart was about to break. ‘I can’t do this,’ she thought sadly. ‘I need Chakotay not only as my friend, but as my lover. I can’t go back to what we were. We can’t go back, but how do I tell him?’
‘Can we do this?’ Chakotay asked himself. ‘Surely we can continue with what we had on New Earth and still command this ship together. We’ve worked through many things before; surely we could manage command and a personal relationship. Can’t we?’
Chakotay and Janeway turned toward each other as they spoke at the same time.
“Captain?”
“Commander?”
“Go ahead,” Chakotay tried to hold back a chuckle.
“May I see you in my Ready Room for a few minutes?”
‘Here it comes again. Boundaries and protocol once more,’ Chakotay thought. “Yes, ma’am,” he finally said.
“Tuvok, you have the Bridge,” Janeway informed.
They both rose and headed to her Ready Room. Once the doors closed, Paris said, “I wonder what that is all about?”
“If the Captain wanted you to know, she would have spoken to the Commander on the Bridge and not requested a private meeting with him,” Tuvok stated flatly. “However, I am curious myself, because they have not been on Voyager for more than ten minutes. I am not aware of any discretions that Chakotay may have committed.”
“She doesn’t just talk to people in her Ready Room when they are in trouble, Tuvok,” Paris insisted.
“You are correct, but if he has done something deserving a compliment, it would have been on the planet, therefore, she would have already commended him below.”
“If she had time,” Harry added.
“It is a puzzle,” Tuvok stated as he raised an eyebrow. “However, if it is something we need to know, we will find out soon enough.”
“Chakotay, I can’t do this!” Kathryn exclaimed with panic in her voice once the door closed and she had turned to face him.
“I’m not sure what you mean?” Chakotay asked with confusion.
“I don’t want to go back to the way things were between us.” Her eyes filled with unshed tears as she continued, “I can’t go back. I don’t think we can go back.”
“I don’t want to either, but what about commanding this ship and getting us back home?”
“I’m not sure I want to hide behind protocol anymore, not after what we have been through,” she said with a tear finally rolling down her face. “What we had these last few weeks was beautiful and I don’t want it to end just because we have managed to return to Voyager.”
“I don’t either, but are you sure it is what you want?”
“I know it’s what I want; I’m just not sure we can run this ship together if we have a personal relationship. You had a point when you said a personal relationship could get in the way.”
“I only said that because I thought it was what you wanted.”
“I don’t know what I want anymore, but I do know I can’t go back to being just friends or just a command team. Not now. Not after…”
“We made love,” she shook her head. “It was more than that.”
“I agree.”
“I haven’t asked you what you wanted,” Kathryn stated remorsefully, then turned away from him. “I’m sorry; maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“On the contrary,” Chakotay stated as he placed his hands on her shoulders trying to get her to look at him. She turned to hear what he had to say, “Kathryn, you’re apart of me, of my life, my soul, my very being. Just as much as you need me, I need you. I don’t think I could stand a day without you in my life.”
“That’s just it,” Kathryn began. “If you were on an away mission and something happened to you…”
“That is apart of life, Kathryn,” Chakotay insisted. “We could be on Earth and I take a deadly fall rock climbing or hang gliding. It would still be the same.”
“No,” she shook her head. “It wouldn’t, because I wouldn’t send you on something like that, but I would send you on a mission and if anything happened to you, I don’t think I could ever forgive myself.”
“Could you even if we weren’t in a relationship?”
Kathryn did not say a word, just stared at him as she thought about his question and all the people that had died under her command. She had not allowed herself forget what had happened to any of them and all because she sent them on away missions or dangerous assignments.
Finally, she answered his question, “No, I couldn’t.”
“So, what difference would it make if we are or not?”
“It wouldn’t.”
“Kathryn, I can’t go back to the way things were either. I don‘t want to go back.”
“How can we command this ship and get as back home as a couple?” She asked tearfully.
Chakotay pulled her close to him, “We’ll manage. We always have. We might even do better if we didn’t fight our feelings for each other.”
“I love you, Chakotay,” she said as she threw her arms around him.
“And I love you, Kathryn,” he replied. Then he kissed her passionately and all the concerns they had before disappeared.
Their lives changed on New Earth and they knew they were not going to allow protocols or boundaries keep them apart.
© Mriana December 2004