Planet Odious Esoterica
Rated PG
Previously entered in the Picnic Prose Prize Contest
“Well, Doctor,” Janeway began to ask as she scratched her arm, “what do you think it is?”
“It is eczematous dermatitis, but I don’t know the cause,” the EMH informed her. “To be on the safe side, I’m going to quarantine you with the rest of the away team?”
“The rest?” She asked with concern.
“Yes, everyone on the away team has this same rash. I’m going to have to ask everyone what they touched, possibly inhaled, and to mentally retrace your steps in order to figure out what the source of this rash is.”
“Doctor, I have a ship to run. I can’t stay here…”
“Yes, you can and you will. Commander Chakotay can take care of the ship in your absence. I do not want to take any chances of this being contagious,” the doctor insisted. “Meanwhile, I am going to need all the samples the away team took and possibly beam down to get my own ideas of what caused all of you to break out with this mysterious rash.”
Janeway sighed as she began to scratch again, “Alright, what can we do in the meantime to stop this incessant itching?”
“Calamine lotion.”
“What?”
“Sorry, that is an old treatment, but could be very helpful,” he said with a light tone to his voice. “However, if you don’t want to be pink and chalky, we can go with just antihistamines injected several times a day until the rash is gone or I find a cure for all of you.”
Janeway frown, not sure which she preferred, “Give me the injection if you think that will help.” Then she became sarcastic, “We’ve certainly come a long ways in medicine, but at least I don’t have to deal with the old ways of injecting people.”
“The idea of a needle doesn’t appeal to you?” The doctor tauntingly asked as he placed a hypo against her neck.
“Not really,” she sourly replied as she heard the familiar hiss and hoped the itching would stop very soon.
“Well, that’s it for now. I have isolated a section of Sickbay for the away team, until I’ve found the cause and know for sure whether or not it is contagious.”
“Thank you, Doctor. Do you mind if I inform Commander Chakotay of the situation?”
“As long as you don’t leave Sickbay.”
“I won’t, but you’d better hurry with the answers or I will go stir crazy.”
“B’Elanna has beaten you to it,” the doctor informed her with a frown as they heard B’Elanna yelling from the other side of the quarantine area.
“OUT!” B’Elanna screamed at Seven. “I have had enough! This rash is all over me and all you can give me are hypos! Get out until you find something more effective than that damn hypo!”
“Sounds like you’re right, Doctor. How long has she been here?”
“Since this morning. I kept Mister Paris and Miral here too, even though they were not on the away team, they have had contact with B‘Elanna. Needless to say, Mister Paris can not come within ten feet of her.”
“Because of the rash?”
“No, because she threw him out of her room.”
Janeway shook her head as she tried to hold back a laugh, “Guess she has beaten me to it.”
“I’ll take care of things on the Bridge, while you are in Sickbay,” Chakotay told her over the comm.
“What? You’re not going to try to rescue me?”
“Not until the doctor says you can come out.”
“You’re no fun,” she teased. “Well keep me posted on what is happening on the ship.”
“I will.”
“Janeway out.”
“I’ll try to hurry with a solution, Captain,” the doctor told her after she had finished speaking with her first officer.
“Thank you, Doctor.”
Several hours later, the EMH approached everyone he had quarantined with his results. “Well, the good news is you are not contagious to others. Tom, you can be thankful that you and Miral won’t get what B’Elanna and the others have, unless you come in contact with what the away team did.”
“That’s not a comfort to any of us with this horrid rash!” B’Elanna exclaimed with irritation as she began to claw at an itch.
“Well, if you’d let me finish,” the doctor said with irritation also in his voice, “Maybe I’ll get to something that will.”
B’Elanna frown, “Go ahead.”
“It appears that there are some obnoxious plants on the planet.”
“Wait!” B’Elanna stopped him with a wave of her hand. “The tricorders would have detected them.”
“Not if they didn’t recognize the chemical compounds,” the EMH informed them. “In this case, our tricorders didn’t and apparently all of you walked right through the obnoxious compounds.”
“Then how did you figure out this information?” B’Elanna curiously asked. “I mean, you can’t be affected by such things.”
“Thank you for pointing that out,” he said with indignation. Then he continued with his report, “Medicine consists of a lot of trial and error. In this case, it was error, not on my part, for I told Mister Neelix that he should not beam to the surface. Apparently, Commander Chakotay over ruled me, though for the life of me I don’t know why. Anyway, Mister Neelix and I beamed down together and discovered that this planet has a secret of its own as he searched for edible plant sources. While we were down there, he walked into a large area of similar plants and had an immediate reaction from them.”
“So, what you are saying is, we all are having a severe case of poison ivy?” the captain asked.
“Basically, yes. Only these plants are not poison ivy.”
Janeway began pacing the floor, “Alright, what’s the treatment?”
“Basically a few more rounds of antihistamine and the poison should clear out of your systems within the next few days.”
“Well, let’s do it before B’Elanna and I are at each other’s throats,” Janeway ordered. “Nothing personal, B’Elanna, but I don’t want to be locked in the same room with you for very long again.”
“Feeling’s mutual, Captain,” B’Elanna replied roughly. Then she seemed to regret what she had just said and softened, “I mean…”
Janeway laid a gentle hand on B‘Elanna‘s arm, “I know what you meant. Its been a rough day for both of us.”
“OK, as soon as Seven gives you another treatment, you are free to go back to duty, your quarters, or wherever you desire, but try not scratch or you risk a secondary infection,” the doctor informed them.
“Easier said then done,” Harry Kim stated sarcastically, as he caught himself scratching. He had been quiet up to this point. “You’d think we would’ve come a little farther in the treatment of allergic reactions than this.”
With a sardonic expression the EMH replied, “Well, I’m sorry our progress in this area was not a top priority. I can still replicate some calamine lotion for you if you prefer.”
“No thank you!” Harry Kim exclaimed. “I’ll take the hypos.”
“And remind me to update the tricorders,” B’Elanna emphatically stated.
“Done!” Janeway replied.
Several minutes later, Janeway walked back onto the Bridge, thankful her uniform covered most of her skin. The only thing not covered was her face, which was still a splotchy red from her reaction to the plant-life of the planet below.
Chakotay stood and relinquished the command chair to her with a smile, “You don’t look any worse for wear.”
“You flatter me,” she replied as she smiled back at him and took her seat.
“How do you feel?”
“Well, aside from some itching, I feel a lot better than I did this morning.”
“You still up for dinner tonight?”
“Sure, what are you fixing?”
“Anything you want.”
“I’ll have to think about that one for a while.” Then she addressed Tom as Harry Kim arrived on the Bridge. “Take us away from this planet, Mister Paris.”
“Aye, Captain.”
“I’ll be glad to leave Planet Odious Esoterica!” Harry Kim exclaimed.
“I couldn’t agree more, Harry!” Janeway concurred.
“Next time, let me be the one who goes on the away team,” Chakotay insisted.
“What? And miss all the fun of getting off the ship for a while?” Janeway jovially asked with a devious smile. “I don’t think so!”
“As first officer it is my duty to insist that the captain stay on the ship, where she is safe from obnoxious life-forms.”
“I thought you said I didn’t look worse for wear?”
“I meant every word,” Chakotay raised his hands as if he were surrendering.
“Right!” She smiled at him as she tried to refrain from scratching. “At least we are out of Sickbay now. Anymore time in there and I think I would have gone crazy!”
“Or strangled B’Elanna,” Tom added as he tried to keep from laughing.
“You’re probably right, Tom,” Janeway agreed as she too tried to hold back her laughter.
Then the Bridge fell silent as they soared on through space and toward home.