Loving Spirits

I sit in my ready room, unable to concentrate on the reports before me. They remind me of the past several days, which have been pure misery for me, but I don’t dare tell anyone. After all, I’m the captain, so some things I have to keep to myself and continue with my duties no matter how bad I feel.

However, I can’t seem to stop recalling how Chakotay and I have been at odds for several days. He didn't support me in my decision concerning the Borg and he refused to follow my orders, all because he strongly disagreed with my plan.

We both said many hurtful words to each other, but I think what hurts the most is that he walked out of my ready room, as though it's over between us. Since then, we’ve hardly said a word to each other and I’m not sure I can take much more.

As I wipe a stray tear from my face, I begin to fear that I have lost Chakotay for good. More than the Hirogen, more than the Borg, more than never getting home again, losing Chakotay scares me the most.

“Computer, location of Commander Chakotay?” I suddenly ask as I leave my desk and head for the door.

“Commander Chakotay is in holodeck two,” the computer informs me in its monotone voice.

As I leave my ready room and journey down to the holodecks looking for Chakotay, there is only one thought running through my head. 'I have to talk to him and tell him just how much I need him. I don’t think I can stand life without him. I don’t care what simulation he is running, I just hope he doesn’t leave before I get there.’

The trip to the holodeck seems rather short and even though the privacy locks aren't engaged, I briefly hesitate at the door. Suddenly, I'm feeling very nervous as so many questions begin to race through my mind.

'Will he want to talk to me after all the things I said to him, or is it over for good now that he walked out of my ready room? Does he even care anymore?'

Finally, I enter the code needed to open the doors.

“A holo-simulation is already in progress,” the computer informs me.

I take a deep breath before I enter. As the doors close behind me, I scan the scenery for him.

The simulation is a peaceful, relaxing, woodsy scene, just what he would choose when he wanted to unwind. The birds chirp and small animals rustle in the dry leaves on the ground as a soft gentle breeze caresses my face.

I walk further into the simulation, keeping my eyes open for him. Suddenly, I hear the familiar words, “Akoo-chee-moya. I am far from my ancestors.”

‘He’s troubled too,’ I suddenly realize. Somehow, I can sense his pain. ‘Is he also upset about your disagreement?’

Slowly, I approach his location and watch him intently. The tattoo that I’ve always wanted to touch seems even more noticeable than usual. His shirt is off, exposing arms with rippling muscles I long to have wrapped around me.

Quietly, so not to disturb him, I sit down on the ground a few meters away and hang on to every word as though they are the last ones I will ever hear him say.

‘He is in pain.’

Suddenly a lone wolf stands before me, staring intently. ‘I’m in Chakotay’s vision or I’m sharing his vision!’

Or am I? Is it possible that I’m having a vision of my own?

The wolf walks closer to me and whimpers as she continues to look at me with sad eyes.

‘I’m bleeding!’ I feel wetness in the middle of my chest, but I don’t lift my hand to touch the wound nor do I take my eyes off the beast before me. ‘Do I dare move with a wolf standing before me?’

The wolf is now directly in front of me, ‘Do I fear her? Do I run? Do I scream? What do I do?’

I finally remind myself that this is Chakotay’s spirit guide. She’d never harm me like a common wolf, so there is no reason to run or fear her.

The wolf licks my injury as though to make it better, then she places herself on my lap and whimpers with sympathy once more. I want to touch the creature and feel her soft fur but I can’t.

‘Am I still afraid of this gentle creature?’

“Kathryn?”

I hear a voice but I can’t respond, as the wolf remains in my lap, like a dog caring for her master.

‘After all, this is just a vision on the holodeck. It’s not real.'

“Kathryn.”

Suddenly, the wolf disappears and reality returns. I now see Chakotay standing in front of me with a look of concern on his face.

‘He still cares,’ I realize as I look up at him from where I'm sitting.

“Are you alright?” He asks me.

“Um… yes,” I reply as I stand, brushing off the dust on the back of my pants. Then for some reason, I shake my head and sadly admit, “No, I’m not.”

I can’t look at him, just as I couldn’t touch the soft caring canine that had lovingly parked herself in my lap. ‘What’s wrong with me?’ I ask myself.

“You want to talk about it?”

“No, not really,” I reply. “But just for one night I don’t want to be captain. I want you.”

‘Why did I say that?’ I don’t have the foggiest idea. It just came out of my mouth before I even thought about it.

My words obviously surprise him too, given the look on his face.

“Are you feeling ill?” He finally asks.

‘Should I retract what I just said? Should I get out of here now and forget I ever said those words?’

I have no idea what I want at this moment except him. That much I do know for sure.

Suddenly, I decide to act on impulse as I throw my arms around him, clinging tightly, not wanting to let him go.

“I need you, Chakotay,” I croak out in a throaty voice that doesn’t seem quite like my own. “Here, now, and forever.”

With great urgency, I kiss him as my desire for him becomes stronger, but he pushes me away, “Are you sure this is what you want?”

“I want you,” I urgently plea as I trace his tattoo with my fingers. “I want to put our differences aside, even if it’s just for one night.”

I have no idea why I'm acting on instinct alone, nor do I want to fight my impulses. More than anything in the universe, I want Chakotay, to hold him forever, never to let go, no matter what it takes.

Is it the vision or the environment that is causing me to act this way? Whatever it is, I don’t care.

He gently caresses my shoulders as he studies me. Somehow, with the way he's looking at me, I know he wants me as much as I want him, but he's holding back. Is he unsure about my feelings?

“Please!” I implore desperately.

Instead of asking more questions, he wraps his arms around me lovingly and returns my previous kiss with just as much fervour. He seems to know exactly what I'm wanting as he caresses my body.

“Kathryn, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted you to say that,” he says softly.

“You have no idea how much I love you, Chakotay,” I finally say the words. “I’m so sorry…”

He doesn’t let me finish. Instead, he possesses my mouth with his lips; his tongue starts to trace my lips as I slightly part them. He pauses long enough to whisper, “You don’t have to apologize.”

The world around us disappears as our bodies lovingly entwine with each other’s. Gently, he lowers me back down to the ground, smothering me with long, drugging kisses. His tongue begins a sweet invasion as my own mindlessly responds to his quest by mating with his.

“Computer, lock the holodeck doors,” Chakotay suddenly commands as he gently caresses my cheek. “As of now, my dear captain, you are relieved of duty.”

“On what grounds?” I playfully ask.

“On the grounds that I love you and want to show you just how much.”

Then he continues to devour me with his mouth and tongue. Our basic instincts begin to take over as Chakotay removes my uniform.

“Oh, Chakotay!” I moan in appreciation of his attention.

He doesn’t say a word as his lips slowly move down my body only to pause for a few moments at my neck. My arousal suddenly increases as he nibbles suggestively.

Every physical desire I have pushed away for the last several years is now coming to the surface. It's stronger than I've ever imagined.

Chakotay kisses his way down to my breasts. Once there, an overwhelming desire to be a part of him overcomes me. I arch my upper back to get closer to him as he suckles one of my breasts and kneads the other with his hand, but it doesn’t seem like we're close enough. I so desperately want to touch his soul and be one with his spirit. In an effort to fulfil that need, I pull his head closer to my breast as though to envelop him into my very being.

When he removes his hand from my breast I softly whimper, only to be comforted once again by his loving caress of my womanhood. Slowly his finger enters my warm wet folds and begins moving rhythmically within me.

A sharp gasp for air forces its way to my lungs, as his mouth envelopes my other breast and his finger continues to stroke my moist depths. Suddenly, every nerve in my body is on fire as I begin to move my hips in time to the rhythmic motions of his finger.

Still, it's not enough. I have to have more of him.

“Chakotay, please,” I beg desperately.

His lips recapture mine as his tongue invades my mouth once more. Our tongues intermingle with desire as his manhood rubs against the most sensitive area of my body.

I can’t take any more of Chakotay’s teasing. I have to have him inside me, so I reach down and guide his hardened masculinity to where I desire it most.

Now we're joined as one, our bodies move in primal rhythm, my mind's completely focused on him. We're the only two people who exist and for the moment there is no Voyager, no crew, or command structure. It's just Chakotay and me. All that matters is our love for each other.

I wrap my legs tightly around his waist as he dives deeper and deeper inside me. His warm breath caresses my skin as we continue our dance of love.

Just as thunder rolls through my body, my mouth releases a cry of pure ecstasy. The only other sound I hear is Chakotay’s voice chanting my name like a cry of deliverance. We both finally climax with earth shattering rapture.

As he collapses on top of me, I can feel the last of his sweet love pulsating inside me. Not wanting him to slide out of me, I squeeze my womanly muscles around his maleness and he lets out a sigh of pleasure.

He doesn’t withdraw from me as he kisses me tenderly and softly says, “Oh, Kathryn, you don't know how long I’ve been waiting to show you how much I love you.”

“I think I have an idea,” I reply as I wrap my arms around his neck.

“Did I tell you I love you?”

“Yes, you did.”

He looks at me directly as he declares, “I’ll say it again then. Kathryn Janeway, I love you more than you will ever know.”

“And I love you, Chakotay.”

He passionately brushes his lips across mine, causing my desire for him to return once more. At the same time, he teases my tender flesh with his hand.

“So, where do we go from here?” I whisper.

He gently rolls off me with a sigh, “Well, I guess I’m going to the Brig.”

“What?” I'm not sure what he's talking about. After all, wasn’t I the one who seduced him?

“I just made love to my captain.”

I can tell he's trying to hold back a grin.

“If I recall, I was relieved of duty, so I’m not the captain tonight,” I remind him with a smile.

“Well, in that case,” he pauses long enough to kiss me. “Why don’t we go back to my place since we’re running out of holodeck time and see what happens next?”

“Anything you say, Captain.”

“What?” It's his turn to be confused.

“Well, since I’m relieved of duty, you’re next in command,” I tell him with a playful grin.

“Well, then…” he holds my hands as we stand. “Let’s get dressed and relinquish this holodeck.”

“Is that an order?”

I relish his manly smell as he puts his arms around me and holds me close, “Only if you want it to be.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

We go back to his quarters and spend the rest of the night wrapped in each other’s arms.

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